Telescopic Philanthrophy

Hmm lets think about that

2010-08-21T18:51:00.002-05:00

Again, another user calling in about iPhone 4.

"Hi I ordered my iPhone with AT&T a while back. All my friends got theirs but mine has not come in yet. I am at the Apple Store and I want to get the iPhone now. "

"If you get the phone from Apple you will not have the device paid for by the University. On top of that, you will have the one from AT&T. So you will be paying for two plans."

"Well Apple said that most AT&T stores are out of iPhones. So should I get the one from Apple so that I can make sure I have a device."

"You could get the device if you really wanted to, but the University is not going to reimburse you. You should probably just wait for the device to arrive from AT&T."

"Ugh, Fine."

Silence.......

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No."

And then she hung up. Apparently waiting a few weeks for a device to ship after you order it is not typical. She needs to learn patience.

Drum Roll!

2010-08-20T15:28:00.002-05:00

I am now going to start a daily blog for the dumbest question I have heard, per a request from an interesting new acquaintance Lindsay (hope I spelled your name right). Since some days I may not hear some dumb questions I will start to post oldies-but-goodies.

So for today, an oldie:

I work for an undisclosed university distributing iPhones to freshman. 20pts if you figure it out. Anywho, I take many phone calls from freshman trying to order the phone through AT&T's site, which honestly can be confusing, but we post video and written instructions going through each step in order to provide assistance to those who are actually literate. In the video instructions the spots for contact information were filled in with generic information so sensitive information would not be viewable/available for spamming. We had a student submit information exactly like the video. Here is the information they filled in for all the forms.

First Name: University
Last Name: Student
Student ID: 000000000
Phone Number: 1234567890
Address: 1600 Campus
Contact email: universitystudent@university.edu

Time again to write

2010-08-03T23:11:00.003-05:00

So the last four days I have worked extremely hard not to sin.

I'll let that sink in for a minute...Alright, done? First day I felt pretty good about it, but that was because we were still together. These last three days I have been numb, trying not to have time by myself or to think because I know that everything was my fault. I messed up, and it sucks really bad. I check my phone all the time, I don't think I'll ever take that picture off. I don't see any missed calls and my heart wrenches. My stomach feels like a mule kicked it in. Sure I have been reading my bible, praying all the time, and working on things to distract me. What I realized is that I won't feel any better until I know that this is actually better for you. I've been here before, and I even dug up all the notes to prove it to myself, but I know this one was different. I believe that eventually I will be able to get over this. Eventually sometimes takes me a while. But it is you I worry about. Sometimes I want to call you still. I get lonely, and I realize you are the only person I talk to. Maybe this is only because it is day three; maybe it is because I feel that deep down I will continue to be numb without you.

I pray that you stalk me as much as I still am interested in you. I hope that you read this and know that I am paying for what I did. I am trying so hard to be God worthy. I know there is grace, but I don't want to take advantage anymore. I want to be one of the ones God calls good and faithful servant.

Sometimes I pray you will call just to talk.
Maybe I'm still being selfish.

First post on Book

2010-07-29T16:59:00.004-05:00

I got the front cover posted finally for the Book I have been working on forever.
Please visit aridynasty.blogspot.com

Paintings

2010-06-28T11:29:00.001-05:00

Finally finished all of my paintings just a few moments ago. Tomorrow is our last free day, which I will probably use to pack and sleep. Wednesday we fly to London from Pisa a little after noon. I do not expect internet again until I have landed on Thursday close to 4pm. I hope to talk with you then.

Philosophy (of sorts)

2010-06-25T18:45:00.003-05:00

Being in the rather unusual mood of eloquence that so rarely strikes me I thought it evident that I should place some of the current thought on my brain into words as best as I can. Firstly it has been noted that many people close to me have recently taken on a spouse in marriage, had a child, or both. Being of the age one and twenty it would seem close to time for all this to happen, yet I have been particularly troubled by it. Many persons of dearest memory to me have fallen into a life that has brought about turmoil--which even the best of us must endure I pray not more than once in a lifetime. The lifestyle, while respectfully out of their own choices, has brought into this world another life. And while typically I might be one to quickly come to conclusions of my own surmises, I have lately looked more with respect and interest than condemning nature. Three lovely women who I had closely felt friendship with have had children, and no father of proper nature to stay in contact with the family. It breaks my heart that such love contrived in intimacy would fall short when the condition of husbandry, fatherhood, or family should arise.

Quite the opposite on the spectrum: two couples equally as dear to me, though one of closer relation to me than the other, have taken on marriage. My excitement in both of these causes is difficult to attribute to any given emotion, but can only be explained by the fact that God in all his wonders has added more for me to ponder on. In all the events however I have felt a lacking in involvement. This has only added to my feelings that I have lost a deal of importance in the lives of others. I have been contemplating the fact that God made us all in his image, and therefore we all as equals have a kindred spirit. God asks us to love our enemies because they, like us, are the same creation. This has only made me want to reach out to those around me--most certainly the ones I feel I have lost contact with. In the past I bottled myself away and grew restlessly weary with people around me. I have come to the conclusion that if I continue to worry about the stresses of my own life, I will only look inwardly and thus become callous and selfish.

My faith has then lead me to this greatest point; to worry about my own salvation will only reap selfish nature, but if instead I have concern for the salvation of others--no matter what stage in life I am at, holy or otherwise--my life will turn for the better, even without my knowing for I will esteem others higher than myself, and to loose all selfishness for the benefit of others will thus gain a peace in spirit and mind.

Salvation is not something to be purchased or worked for anyway, but to be received by grace, for I feel, should we try to work for the gift we would never be able to pay it off.

That is all for now which I can place into text from my present thoughts.

For the next week

2010-06-24T03:54:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update. I was in the Uffizi Museum yesterday. I was able to see so many pieces of art in the Art History books. I was blown away. Both Cimabue and Giotto's Madonna Enthroned were there, Botticelli works, Massaccio, Fillipi Lippi, Raphael paintings, Da Vinci Paintings, and even a Caravaggio. Unfortunately the museum did not allow photos or video so I have nothing to show for it.

These last few days I will only be finishing my paintings I have to turn in soon, and if I get them done I may visit Siena, but we will have to see. So nothing really important going on other than finishing up the assignments required of me.

The last few days

2010-06-19T18:17:00.001-05:00

I had been in Cinque Terre. Not much to say other than great place to be and lots of sunburns. Nice relaxing time. These next few days I will just be catching up on painting and relaxing. I tend to slack off a lot when it comes to paints.

Back from Rome

2010-06-14T06:04:00.005-05:00

Wednesday 9th: Turns out we couldn't get tickets to the Museum with Michelangelo's works in them, so we instead went to the San Marco church where Fra Angelico painted fresco's. We came back to Scandicci for lunch. Then we had class where they introduced the trip to Orvieto and Rome. Fra Angelico had also done some fresco ceiling murals at a cathedral in Orvieto, but also the works of Luca Signorelli depicted the coming of the Anti-Christ through the last judgment. His nude figures were to have inspired the Sistine Chapel works by Michelangelo.

Thursday 10th: Left on an early train to Orvieto. Once off the train we had to take another small lift on train tracks up the side of the cliff the city is built on. Saw the cathedral, and then walked around. Had lunch with wild boar meat in it. Surprisingly delicious. Left for Rome in the afternoon, and went to the Casa di Santa Francesca Romana. Many people had forgot their passports, and they would not let them have rooms unless they had the actual one with them, they couldn't even take a copy. I had mine, but about 8 other people didn't. they had to call the owner of the house to drive the passports out to Rome from Scandicci. The people without the passports didn't get them until 2am.

Friday 11th: Because of the mishap the previous night they let us sleep a little while longer than normal, and moved the day for the Vatican to Saturday.Waited for a long time in the morning. We all walked to a square and waited for one of the professors to come back with 3 day bus passes. Mr. Green would disappear until ~1700. Because of this, we didn't start to see the sites until close to 1400. Everyone was worried, and we said a prayer for him to return safely. 30 minutes later we got a phone call saying he was alright. We visited the forum, pantheon, Trevi Fountain, and several churches that day.

Saturday 12th: Visited the Vatican really early and saw even more works by Dali in the Modern Religious Art sections. I saw the school of Athens by Raphael, the Sistine Chapel, and lots of other things. Afterward I went through Saint Peter's. We then proceeded onward to a church Michelangelo helped convert from its previous state or Roman baths. From there we saw the Ecstasy of St. Teresa, and the Capuchin Crypt with the Monks bones decorating the interior.

Sunday 13th: Held a devo in the patio area of the hostel, then we went to a really long market where I finally found swimming trunks for 4 Euro. Then we had a long lunch in a place called the Goose. And then we headed back to the Trevi Fountain so one of the guys could exchange a shirt. In the process we got separated from the group, but we made it to the train ok, and then we left for Scandicci.

So I was wrong

2010-06-08T19:11:00.002-05:00

Volterra is the best city I have ever been to, and as much as I hate to say it, Stephanie Meyer pick the right city to set her book in. I just wish that she hadn't so we could enjoy years of the city being untouched by tourists. I painted a picture for you today and I honestly hope that you will like it. I spent quite a long time sketching an planning it all out. I am very proud of it. Anyway, tomorrow we go to Florence again to see Michelangelo's works, and the day after that we will visit Rome until Sunday. I don't think I will be taking my computer on the trip to Rome so I will not be online for some time. That is all for now.

Man this is rough

2010-06-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

We spent seven hours in Florence today painting. I only got the first layer down because I had to sketch the composition. I had written an entire blog for today on my computer, but my computer is not connecting to the internet right now and I don't feel like re-typing it.

Not a very busy day today

2010-06-06T19:30:00.002-05:00

Left for church this morning. Much of the service was in Italian, but some of it they translated for us into English. Afterward we had a potluck, but because the inside of the building was so humid I wasn't able to eat very much without feeling sick or full. We then came back to the house and I worked on my painting a little bit before we went to a devo with more free food. We then played some basketball (knock-out), and then headed back here.

A Long Day

2010-06-05T18:25:00.013-05:00

Picture a hat with a key inside of it. Also within are three copies of that same key. Each key accesses the same door. This of course is a magic hat, but not one that gives you pleasant surprises at the end. No, what this hat is capable of is completely the opposite. When you reach into the hat to pull out a key you are allowed to keep the key as long as you want, and it will always have access to that door--however, once the key is removed from the hat it's replaced by a fake key. Now the hat can only hold the specified number of keys, and when you have finished opening the door you cannot place it back inside. To add more complexity to the situation, the moment you fall asleep your key is lost forever. Now imagine an audience of 25 people, each greedy to have the proper key to the door. Some greedy enough they take two keys: one for each hand. You can see how soon, everyone is pulling fake keys from the hat, and the real keys are lost forever. No matter how many times you pull out a fake key, a real one will not replace it. That is exactly the situation we have right now, and thus the reason it has been so difficult to post anything on my blog for some time. Currently I am in Florence, staying in a flat belonging to a Bible College. There is a router in the house which only has three available IP addresses which will allow you to access the internet. The moment you remove the ethernet cord and try to share with another computer is the same moment it gives you a bad IP address. One person was able to have wireless on their laptop, but as soon as the computer was shut down, the proper IP address was lost. Even more disturbing is the fact that the router will not gather all the correct IP addresses when you try to reset the router. Even after cycling the power and pressing the tiny reset button on the back, it still will not provide a valid IP. And that explains the current situation we are in.

Now to back track and give you the complete analysis of what we have done so far.

May 26th: This was our second trip to London. After taking the train into Paddington we took the Bakerloo Line to oxford circus where we transferred. It was before getting onto the next underground that the guy in front of me got his bag caught in the door. I pushed it through, the door closed with me still on the platform. The underground took off. I then hopped on the next one and proceeded with the group. We then walked to the British Museum. This was mostly a history museum, but I enjoyed seeing Assyrian Lion Hunt relief stone murals. The Rosetta Stone was also here next to a collection of other Egyptian artifacts. Close to 11:30 I bought lunch and had the best chicken curry of my life. Once everyone gathered we then headed to the Tate Modern. Here I was able to see Andy Warhol, 3 pieces by Dali,
and even a few Jackson Pollock paintings. This was an emotional day for me as I saw my first Dali pieces in my life. To see an actual piece has always been #1 on my bucket list.

May 27th: Our group caught an early morning bus out to a suburb in Oxford called the Kilns to visit C.S. Lewis's house. It is called the Kilns because old brick kilns used to be there. C.S. Lewis, or 'Jack', had bought a house next to the warehouse. The tour was mildly interesting, but we spent some time around the pond that Jack had dug for animals in the area. This was our last day in Oxford, and we had to pack everything that night, and have all the dishes clean by 9pm. I had an entire loaf of bread uneaten. Some of the others had jams and confectionery sugar. Between myself and the girls living upstairs we had half a dozen eggs. Since we would have to eat all the food or throw it out I made French Toast for a dozen people, and some other people made cookies. We stayed up late eating lots of good food and watching parts of High School Musical (which I still do not enjoy, as Disney has lots of flawed logic).

May 28th:
My B-Day. We had to wake up at 6:30 to get our stuff loaded on the bus and leave by 7:30 for Whitby. Whitby is a nice city facing the North Sea with wonderful beaches when the tide is out and a nice cool wind always blowing inland. Whitby was mentioned in Bram Stoker's Dracula, and now there are tons of Goth stores in town. It was a great travel to the Hostel, and I went to sleep around 18:30.

May 29th: A much better day. We visited the Abbey Ruins in Whitby, and afterward walked to Robin Hood bay ~6 miles away from the ruins. However, I decided to walk along the beach for most of the trip out to the bay. I spotted a cave and climbed up the shale walls to reach it. There was a rope (usually for people caught at high tide) next to the cave and I repelled down. At the bottom I slipped on some of the shale and bloodied my knuckles in the process--which are still scabbed today. Fortunately I had put my hands down to catch myself because I was about 2ft from going over a 15ft drop. I went to the incoming tide and washed my hands. I then took a napkin from my packed lunch, and some cellophane from my wrapped sandwich and improvised some bandages. High tide started to come in and I got to rock climb using on the rope nailed with a steel railroad pike into the cliffs. From there I just walked on the path to the Bay, and about 15:00 turned back for Whitby to meet our Coach at 19:00 to leave for York. We checked into the Hostel approximately 21:30 and I went to bed.

May 30th: The Coach took us to a mass for the Church of England. After the mass we spent the day walking around York, and then we drove onto Heathrow to spend the night and catch an early flight into Pisa. This was probably the best I slept the entire trip. I took a relaxing bath, and was in the most comfortable bed ever by 21:30. Before I knew what had happened my alarm woke me up at 4:30.

May 31st: Up at 4:30, packed everything together, breakfast at 5:00, went up to the room and brought down my bag for the 6:18 bus. Went through security in the airport and was 'randomly' chosen for a bomb sweep. I put random in quotes because I was one of the first in our group to make it to the security section and there was no one else in front of me. So out of the single persons to proceed I was chosen. After getting through I went to the gate where a shuttle took us to the plane. I have always wanted to enter the plane from the ground like the President does, so I was able to cross another thing off the bucket list. On top of that I was able to see the French Alps still covered in snow as we crossed into Italy--one more off the bucket list. Once in Pisa we saw the tower. I refused to take the typical tourist picture. Then we made it to Bible College in Scandicci where the internet was not working.

June 1st: Slept in til 9:00 and then we all left for the Tram to take us into Florence. Spent the day here until dinner time. Most of the time we were in the market. My camera was out of batteries from Whitby and I had not had time to charge them so I have no pictures of this day. I was able to see replicas of Michelangelo's David, and also a replica of The Rape of the Sabine Woman. We went back to Scandicci, ate dinner, and then went to bed.

June 2nd: Woke up early to catch the #6 bus into Florence and climb up to the top of Brunelleschi's Dome. Then I spent more time in the market were I got to try on some jackets that looked like Wolverine's from the X-Men origins movie. We got back in time for lunch. We then headed out to Machiavelli's home, and painted some of the country side there.

June 3rd: We headed to Padoua on the train from Florence. Again I had some troubles with the stops. Everyone got off in Padoua, unbeknown to me, while I headed further to Venice. I noticed no one else was on the train any more, got off at the next stop, and caught the next train back to Padoua. After catching up with the group we headed to the Scrovegni Chapel to see the famous murals of Giotto. An interesting note: Padoua had the first Liberal University which broke from Catholic rule to teach people back in the 1200s. Copernicus and Galileo were among such people. The first degree given to a woman was at the same Uni in the 1600s. After seeing Giotto we spent the night eating pizza and gelato.

June 4th: Train into Venice around 9:00. We got into ferries that took you around Venice like a bus, except in these you were crowded and prodded like cattle. That was the worst experience of the entire trip. We got off in San Marcos Piazza (Saint Mark's Square) and went through the Palace of the Doge. In the palace was the largest/longest oil painting done by Tintoretto. Also, another bucket list cross off, four paintings by Hieronymus Bosch were in a side room. We went to the Archeology Museum afterward, but in comparison to all the huge rooms filled with paintings in the Palace of the Doge, the museum was a waste of time. I was unable to go into the church in the square as the lines were hours long flooded with tourists. Again we partook in more pizza and gelato before getting back on a train to Florence.

June 5th: Slept until noonday. Painted some watercolor, and typed this long list of blogs just for you. More pizza today. Then went to a wonderful concert where I almost cried. I had not listened to someone actually play an orchestral instrument since my sister died. Tonight a violinist and cellist played Zoltan Kodaly. I was so moved. The concert was held within the Chiesa di Cristo in Florence (a building with similarities to the pantheon, only smaller). I really missed the sweet sounds of the viola my sister played. Once I get back to the states I would like to get some Kodaly to listen to while I work on art.

Tomorrow we are going to services in the Cheisa di Cristo and a potluck as well.

Another day

2010-05-25T17:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we went to the Oxford National History Museum (pictures when I have time), and Keble College. There was a guest speaker from St. Cross that afternoon. This morning we painted acrylic. After that I went to a couple pubs with friends.

Tomorrow we are in London again so we will see how much I can post then as well.

Tired of slow internet

2010-05-24T18:07:00.001-05:00

Will update tomorrow.

Maybe.

If the internet starts to cooperate.

Hairy Beast

2010-05-23T18:07:00.002-05:00

I had a weird dream last night that I was a werewolf fighting another werewolf while being shot at by tranquilizer darts. After the other werewolf died, I transformed back and we went to see the doctor about all the darts in me. They thought the were like earring gauges, but the looked like plastic teeth and had hollow points. I was pulling a bunch of them from my gums. You were with me. The doctor asked if my sister and I were any relation to Ross. I said "Well my sister is dead" and you added "Doubly Dead"--to be honest I have no idea what that means, unless you were saying she was a zombie. I then explained he was my Granddad. The doctor was also holding a folder with my uncles name on it, and I explained that my mothers maiden name was the same as my uncles last name (duh), and I then woke up due to some noise in the room. It was almost 1pm and my head, back, and gums hurting really badly: this might explain the dream with darts piercing me.

Anyway, go some more cash today and bought some food. I had an interesting panini (which is like a bagette) with goat cheese, apricot jam, pesto, roasted peppers, black olives, lettuce, and tomatoes. It didn't sit properly in my stomach. After that I went with the Parisian crew for a BBQ out at the Port Meadow. I came back around ten to talk to you, but you were offline. I am sorry if I missed you being online today. I love you and hope to see you again soon. I miss you really rather strong.

Eddie Izzard:Well how strong is that
Me: Like the strength of a small pony
Eddie Izzard:Well that is really rather strong that is.

Not much to report on

2010-05-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

I did laundry and went grocery shopping today. Put in a few hours of work, and then watched a movie. That is it for today.

Not too late

2010-05-21T18:08:00.002-05:00

Interesting day today. Slept till about 11am when the tenants started moving stuff up and down the stairs outside my door. Played some portal again. Gathered laundry together, started downloading some vids, and went to the ATM. One of the reasons I download vids is because I sometimes change my mind halfway through downloading, but the main reason is it has these parts and pieces that you can watch download for a single file. The pieces that make up one part of a byte can be fun to watch for hours since they never upload in order.

Anyway, I was really just killing time while I was bored before I met up with a guy to go grab some food for dinner. Both of us have birthdays this upcoming week, so he bought food, I paid for drinks. It was really nice. Then I came back and started talking with you.

That was all of my day. I miss you all and love you the most.

Oops

2010-05-20T18:51:00.002-05:00

So it is really 1am and I guess I missed the mark to get the blog done for today-or rather yesterday. I had a bad headache from all the pollen in the air, and was not getting enough sleep. I played and beat portal today, got caught up on lost, justified, and castle. Besides that I just watched Shadowlands with Anthony Hopkins. It is about the latter part of CS Lewis' life from his book Suprosed by Joy. I own the book. In fact it was given to me by a dear lady at our church back home who had passed recently. I should start to read it. Shame that only know I think how I put these off till it becomes important to me, but the person had tried to share some of their importance with me.

I think perhaps we should watch this film together sometime. For the last year or so I had been trying to convince people how I feel God could care less whether I was happy or not, and had I only read the book, or seen this film I could have better explained myself. Hopkins's line is that God doesn't want us to be happy, but rather to Love and be Loved. He puts it so much better than I did.

Anyway, that was my day. I shall sleep late, take care of laundry, and grocery shop tomorrow.

Frustration with these new circumstances

2010-05-19T15:23:00.002-05:00

I can't say that growing up I had the best family, or that I felt they always supported me; however I was completely aware of what would make them (un)happy. Sure I may have wished my mother complemented my art more--thus why I cannot blankly say I like something, but rather must analyze it completely before I come to any conclusion--regardless I always knew I could rely on my parents. And though I could rely on them wanted to prove with everything that I had I could be self sufficient to a point. I haven't yet taken over the car insurance or paid them back for $600 they generously spotted me, but they trust me enough to pay them back because they know I hate owing people. I quite enjoy being independent. Than comes the idea of marriage. I messed it all up once and I honestly would not like for that to be the case with this one. I finally found a girl my family like better than they like me. I want to keep her forever, and I want it to happen now, but no one else seems to have quite caught up with our sense of preparation. On top of that I really would like the money to make it all happen 'proper-like' and not quick and thoughtless. Getting the ring will be a challenge in itself-unless I procure the full-time position I have been longing after. But more so than all of this is the cloud of doubt that hangs over the two of us. You of all people know this is not doubt from the two of us, but rather from others. I know it can't be easy or else we wouldn't enjoy it when we finally attain the goal to which we were striving; I'm not asking for it to all fall into place, or just drop into my lap either. I am willing to work for it, and I guess I really just need to be more patient with it all, but my point is I am asking for your help on this one. I'm tired of the anxiety it causes her, the stress I go through, and the headaches we both get trying to push for a better life. I know I set a time table for all of this, but I am relinquishing my control. Do what you want. I tried that for two years, and I know where I ended up, but you are smarter and your way is always better.

Patience and prudence are the two virtues I lack, and I have been trying to get better. It is just the little things that set me off too. Why can't I have a happier disposition? I just wasn't wired that way I suppose. You of all people would know that. I spent all day in La Parisian talking with friends, and I come home to misery. I complain about my webcam no longer working and refusing to work. I worry constantly. I hope that one day I could stop seeking to be content and just start acting like it. Why should I care about anything in this world? It all ends at some point. Sure that may be a bit too nihilist, but I wish her parents thought a little more about it. It is certainly understandable to be concerned about money, school, and the future. But this is almost all consuming and it is affecting people around them. Why can't we start to see money as simply paper, to understand that there will always be times that are hard, or set aside difference and qualms to enjoy people in all their quirky essence?

What makes one guy get so angry he says he'll throw another man off the bridge?

How is it we pass by and laugh hoping it doesn't actually become serious?

God help us all. We are all seriously messed up in the head and need to step back, re-evaluate why we are prejudice, why we have to be angry, and why we even care so much about something that in one thousand year later--once everyone alive now is dead--no one will even be thinking about how we made it through college, how it was paid, or even what job we had until we died. Your life, if lived all by those guidelines, won't mean jack squat. You aren't remembered thousands of years later. You aren't be in text books. And the cubicle life you have is completely meaningless. God please let those who need to feel control, lose it completely and rely on you. God please let those you are trying to live a life, find they already have one.And finally, please help us not to be so angry.

The real South Park

2010-05-18T16:59:00.003-05:00

I can't necessarily speak for the group, but I haven't been sleeping as much. With the difference in time and the sun coming up so early I find myself awake at odd hours. I've tried to go to bed earlier, but having to upload photos, talk with folks back home, and update a blog regularly have caused me to be a night owl. Class began at 9am and many of us lagged in yawning and tired. As always we review people from the previous days who have undergone the introduction process followed by four new introductions. We then headed out down Banbury Road towards Broad Street and the Bodleian/Radcliffe Library. From that location we took a bus up to South Park where we painted a view of the city. We arrived close to 1100 painted for about 2 hours and walked back.From there many of us split into different groups. Jack took a few to the Turf Tavern behind the Bodleian, but I went on to my favorite sandwich shop. From 1400 to 1700 I talked with many of the people in Le Parisian, and then was invited to spend sometime with the coworkers of the sandwich place. We went to get food and they made fun of my accent most of the time with words like pah*can and car*mel (versus how they say ca*r*a*mel and pee*can). I did so until about 2030 and walked about 9 miles today. It was one of the less busy days on average and some people may have walked more than that.

Dreaded Monday

2010-05-17T15:34:00.005-05:00

Well, here we are once again. The last wave has past, we reached the top of the next one with sun on our faces, and now the boat is cast down to the depths. I can't say I am surprised, but I don't want to have to wait any longer for the day when money becomes our problem and not theirs. I will be praying constantly that God can once again change their minds.

Had to get that off my chest first.

Early start here, took a bus out to the city of Burford where our Professor unknowingly reminded me of Ben Stein in Ferris Buller's Day off (notice the difference between Burford and Buller). I sat next to my professor today while we painted watercolor. This was in a field looking up towards the road where an abandoned house was. The black line is a light pole. With this piece I tried a new technique called layering (sarcasm). Being color blind may actually have advantages when it comes to this sort of thing since I can easily spot the value changes.

After watercoloring for sometime we headed back into town and ate at the Mermaid Pub, caught a bus to Minster Lovell and began to paint more. the scenery here looked like something straight from the witcher video game. I was so in awe of the "ruins" here and even began laughing like a school boy in glee of my castle experience. This is the work I did of one of the spires that is still standing. BTW it is supposed to look unfinished, that is what makes it finished.

So this trip has been an interesting one so far. I have had many Deja Vu occasions. I know that I am supposed to be here, and I am having a good time, but back home there are many opportunities that I feel I have to be a part of now. I am still waiting to see if the full time position opens up. So far nothing on that issue. Additionally I would like be helpful in anyway I can about next semesters plans for college, but I can't help feel like things will always be outside of our control no matter how hard we try to force them. Deja Vu only confirms that for me. Even with the choice I make I still end up where I am expected.In the end everyone dies anyway. We aren't meant to have control and we only fool ourselves by claiming we rule over technology. Even technology breaks in ways we didn't plan on. All I am trying to say is with everything here I have had the feeling of being where I am supposed to, I plan as much as I want for things to happen, but in the end I can't really expect it all to move the way I would like. The time to myself has allowed me to think about lots of things, and I only was wanting to let you experience the same. Regardless of what Deja Vu says I do want to be with you forever and I hope that we can ride the ride of life since it will have more control over us than we could ever have over it.

I will leave you with these last words of wisdom:^{^"5Keep your lives free from the love of money
and be content with what you have, because God has said,
'Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.' ⁶So we say with confidence,
'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?'"}

Hebrews 13:5-6

Geez what is this dial up?

2010-05-16T17:56:00.001-05:00

Well the network has been really slow here. I've been trying for the last two hours to send a 13MB pdf, and the internet spot here is so bad that it fails every time. I still have yet to submit this paper. Anyway, since the internet is bad I haven't had a chance to get pictures up. Hopefully I can get them tomorrow for you all to see. Today we went to Blenheim palace park. I will be doing some water colors of them soon. We have a full day again tomorrow. I leave at 8am, so I have to be up earlier to pack a lunch and eat breakfast. I miss all of you wonderful people. I don't miss all you not so respectful people (though I know you don't read this, you should know you are always on my bad side).

Friday and Saturday

2010-05-16T05:41:00.003-05:00

Friday we awoke close to 8 in order to prepare for the train into London around 9:30am. Some people within our group had too much coffee and not enough sleep for the ride. Every time another train passed close to ours, a loud gust of air would startle one girl which lead to another screaming. This would happen several times during the ride. Needless to say it was too much for that early in the morning. Let's see, train to Paddington, followed by underground, a transfer blah blah blah. Ah yes, the Tate Britain. I saw some magnificent pieces here, and I will probably post them later as I get the photos sorted off the camera and delete the ones that were too blurry. What I can say though is I begun to find the Nephilim all around ever since I started writing Ari Dynasty. If you don't know what the Nephilim are just wait until I start posting my book on my second blog. Once I have the book cover done then I will start posting. I don't know how long this will take, but hopefully I can get it up shortly. Anyway, I was starting to talk about Francis Danby. His painting the Deluge depicts those climbing to the top of a rock as the flood waters rise with the typical Noah's ark clam in the background.

In the bottom right corner there is an angel mourning over a giant. This would suggest the overly proportioned figure could be one of the Nephilim.

After that piece I found some etchings done by William Blake, two of Whistler's Nocturnes, and Damien Hurst's Sheep.

Once we finished at the Tate, we proceeded on to the Burghers of Calais just outside the houses of Parliament. We spent a brief time here before proceeding on to the National Gallery. This place had a vast amount of work, many which I had seen in my art history books. I wish I could say I could post pictures as well, but they yelled at people when they tried. Two museums in one day was very exhausting, and afterward I left London for Oxford.

Saturday we went to the University park and watched some students play Lacrosse. We then went to the mall area, and I left shortly after. I stayed around the house for a bit, and then we went to a pub and did not come back until 1am. I took a shower and went to bed. Mostly a very uneventful day. We are scheduled for some more watercolor painting today and tomorrow. I will post another blog tonight if I get the chance.

I miss you, and I hope that you can start to discoverer yourself during this trying time. I wish I could be there for comfort, but it seems that that would only hinder this process.

Inspired

2010-05-13T14:29:00.009-05:00

I talked about yesterday visiting the Ashmolean Museum. One of the things I ran out of time to do yesterday with my blog was to put up photos. While at the museum there were several pieces that I was intrigued and others very moved by.

The First is titled "St. Michael subduing Satan and weighing the Souls of the Dead" by Lelio Orsi. The way Hell was depicted in the piece was unlike most Renaissance pieces surrounding the work. Additionally, the theme is taken from an old Jewish wives' tale which is only briefly mentioned in the book of Jude.

^"8In the very same way, these dreamers pollute their own bodies, reject authority and slander celestial beings. ⁹But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" ¹⁰Yet these men speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals—these are the very things that destroy them.
Jude v.8-10"

It is an interesting that this particular painter would choose a subject not commonly painted. It is nothing similar to a pieta, ascension, or crucifixion piece. This is probably one of the only pieces painted about this subject, and yet the way it is done remains true to the classical Renaissance style. Additionally the cave entrance to hell depicted as an opening mouth made me laugh when I realized it was the mouth to a cave. But nonetheless, the technique is inspiring.

Second I saw the works of Jack Butler Yeats. This piece is called "Grafter's Glory". I really like his work called "Rehearsal", but the Ashmolean website did not have a photo due to copyright reasons. The works consisted of globs of paint layered on top of each other. The work "Rehearsal" proved difficult to see anything but abstracted post impressionistic paint. But as I looked harder I could see what appeared to be the profile of a face in turquoise green. Normal I don't like abstract art, but this one really surprised me with the careful planning and detail strewn throughout its entirety. I would have had pictures myself, but my camera was out of batteries and google seemed to have no record of the work.

Yesterday we also visited the Port Meadow were we began watercolor painting. Today I finished one of them. I will begin on another one soon.

Lastly, we visited some local artists around town, many who our Professor introduced us to since he has been here so many times and knows them personally. Tomorrow we head off early into London by train to see the Tate Britain and National Gallery.

Here are some links to enjoy for tomorrow since I may not be back early enough to post another blog.

Ashmolean
Artist we visited early today Francesca Shakespeare
Tate Britain
National Gallery

Tamed

2010-05-12T17:49:00.003-05:00

Class began at 9am. My body started long before. The sun came up around 5:30am and woke me with it. Adjusting is difficult when changing time zones. We visited the Ashmolean Museum in city square. I bought a sketch book and watercolor paper. After the museum was grocery shopping and charging the batteries for the dead camera. 2pm marked the introduction to watercolor, and then the travel to the Port Meadow where we painted on site until it became too cold and began to rain on us. Arriving back I ate dinner and worked a little more on my watercolor and then acted as tour guide for a group to visit the Eagle and Child/ice cream @ G&D's. Back at the house we watched Hero with Jet Li. Done and Done.

SIGH.

No class until 1pm tomorrow. Planing on sleeping in, but I apologize I was gone for so long. You can expect pictures of my watercolors once I start to finish them.

Food for scary thought

2010-05-11T10:47:00.002-05:00

So I am back in Oxford again, but I will get to that in a second. I have to rant, like I always do about things I can't control. On the way to the airport my father was listening to Sean Hannity. While I think he is a nice guy, I have lately not been agreeing with anything that he says. Now don't start judging me too quickly because I'm not liberal either. Let me just say that from the beginning I have always considered others my equal (though sometimes I forget to treat them that way). All this talk of illegal immigrants has really fired me up. First of all we all have heard people say this wasn't our land, and we stole it blah blah blah. That's not what I mean to say here. Pay attention: our land was never our land, nor did it ever belong to anyone but was merely on loan to us. Second, not letting people work to feed a family because they're migrant workers is prejudice, social Darwinism, and jealousy. A person is a person no matter what skin tone, religion, or nationality they claim, we are all people. That means you treat anyone you see like the person you want to be respected for as well. No matter what acts a person commits or the degree of insanity that they cause, they are still people. Frankly I think there are though in the world who really hate us for not seeing each other as the same and we continue to hold our prejudice. I wish that it were required for everyone to travel to a different country (and not just Mexico/Canada for those from the US, or other European Countries surrounding the country you may be from). If you do not experience the other side of the world entirely then you are only half a person. No offense to anyone who has not left, but just making the statement about the improbability to have a world view when you only have seen one part.

Anywho,

Scary thoughts:
1) Our British Airways (BA) flight was delayed so we could fly over an active volcano
2) BA workers start striking next week for 24 Days, so hopefully I make it home
3) Volcano could hold up plans to Italy
4) Volcano could hold up plans to return to DFW

However, I am thankful that God has guided our plans through this trip and allowed us to arrive safely. I do not find it coincidental that we made it through in the midst of all that is taking place. Our pilot told us when we landed that we were the last British Air to land today because of Iceland. Maybe that sounds scary, but to me I find it purely amazing. Well it is currently 5:15pm here, and 11:15am back home.

I couldn't sleep on the plane and ended up watching Sherlock Holmes. It made me feel like we were sitting together on the plane. I love you.

Amerifags vs Eurofags

2010-04-16T07:47:00.003-05:00

Lately one question has been on my mind and I can't seem to shake it. Sure we all seem to sit here at our computers and write great stories that hopefully cause us to change. Maybe you have dozens/hundreds of dozens of followers, or maybe you have none (like I do). No matter what this is all the same. We have been all sitting here trying to compose the perfect language in order to appeal if not to other followers then to ourselves, and yet no one seems to have an problem with trying to please others as it could land them more money or renown; however we become wrapped up in a sense of emotion: a solitary state of being. This is often the way of the world. Living in the US has been a single experience, that until I had recently traveled to Europe, my mind had no motive to question or doubt the way I was raised and the method of madness that belongs solely to every being within the US. Europe, having had a national sense of who they are for thousands of more years than we ever have had (unless you are Inuit or Native), has found its niche, and in the US where we seem to say that anything those "Eurofags" do is the opposite of what we should do, I have to agree with the Europeans on this one. Chemistry has destroyed too many souls and minds of great people. Yes medicine saves lives, but over here "Amerifags" are consuming pills, processed food, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, and an endless amount of junk everyday. Sure Europeans may eat a comparable amount (though from what I have seen they eat less altogether, eat fresh foods, take less pills, and have natural sugar rather than corn syrup), but they also have public transportation and walk more than any society I've visited within the US. "So what?" you ponder while eating your sandwich and getting crumbs all over your keyboard. Well everyday in the US some new advertisement is put out on the air by some law office informing you that there are pills which have caused birth defects, heart disease, cancer, and/or death. Some diseases have even been caused by just a mother breast feeding while taking a pill.

"Again, so what?"

You ever think about all the mental diseases, sex addicts, personality disorders--not just schizophrenics, but people with bipolar disorders, depression, mood swings, etc? All of these have been linked to chemical imbalances in the brain, and to make them simply disappear we take another pill which gives us suicidal thoughts, heart problems, and death. So where does the cycle end? More importantly where did it begin? Sure you could explain away violence and sex addiction by claiming we have been so ever since we were created/evolved if you like, and that we used to have wars all the time, pillage villages, and rape women, but what if every one of those could be explained by poor nutrition: the consumption of under cooked meats; not eating enough fiber; scurvy; etc. Today we have knowledge about a food pyramid which tries to help us eat correctly, but we still have little knowledge about preservatives and their effects on us especially when various ones are combined together.

The conclusion is uncertain as we cannot clearly define one culture as correct, though I might like to, but that some methods of practice are more reasonable than others.

Early

2010-01-20T07:48:00.003-06:00

Admittedly I have slacked off on posting lately. The last few were required posts for graphic design classes and those were last semester. While it is the new year I don't feel bad for not posting on New Year's Day like everyone else who climbs upon their keyboard and types (in my best school girl impersonation) "Oh wow, it's a new year! I can't believe that the last one went by so fast. This year I am going to find a bf and my bff and I are going to go get wasted now. Maybe the guy I sleep with tonight will stay with me forever!"

Tactful, no. Classy, definitely.

But even with my melancholy attitude towards a New Year, I still have had lots of reflection. Not that any of this developed due to the New Year, but mostly because of parental encouragement. My mother watched Julia and Julia recently. Ever since then she has been asking if I had a blog, and saying that I should start posting my book.

I have some hesitation towards posting my book on this site. I write because I feel like it, not because I want to be sarcastic, funny, or even popular. I started writing here because it was more of a place to vent, and while there are plenty of other places I could do that within more privacy, and certainly in a more anonymous way, I originally thought there may be others like me who share in the same problems as I do. Though I don't really expect others to read my blog, nor am I certain whether I would want to or not, this site was more for me.

However, I have lately thought of posting my book. The only downside would be someone stealing it, or duplicating it without my permission, but then I could sue and would be rich, so maybe I should let them try anyway. To be honest I am scared of what would happen should I become famous. I don't want a lifestyle involving book signings, the Jay Leno show, or paparazzi. The other shortcoming is others have already expressed their interest in my book and I have given it to them to read, but they never get around to reading it. I feel like it would be the same situation here. I would post my book for anyone to read and no one would. In some way I feel it would cheapen it.

Nonetheless, I have decided out of all of this to at least start putting the book into InDesign so I can create a .pdf for it. Maybe I can make it more visually interesting with my graphic design knowledge.

Serendipity

2009-11-10T18:53:00.000-06:00

Double Entendre

While generally associated with anything risque, the phrase double entendre simply refers to any word which can be ambiguous due to the nature of the language. With Semiotics and a Montage a similar action happens. An object may represent one item, but placed next to another object could convey another entity entirely. Take for example the image below.

If the word Hero was by itself, what would you picture in your mind? Maybe the Jet Lee movie, maybe a firefighter, but not many would first think of a musician. Sure some people may see Bono as a hero, but the general association of the word is to think of valor and courage. Place the word Hero next to Guitar, and suddenly we have a generation of people who are lacking in musical talent striving to play a song for points, rather than becoming a great musician themselves. It seems a Guitar Hero is really someone who stays locked in a room for hours trying to beat Through Fire and Flames on Expert Mode (cough cough Loser!).

So what is the point of knowing this information? A successful design captures the multiple meanings when words/images are placed together, and allows a common message to be received from it.

Word Play

The relationship between objects and their conveyed message can differ depending on a situation. Before 9/11 people would have looked at an airplane and thought mode of travel, but after such an event, this object could also become an icon for terrorism. Signs are often effective because of their direct relation to that which they signify, but puns and a play-on-words can often prohibit a message from being clearly received. As with all communication, barriers, or noise can interfere with the message trying to be relayed. When it comes to properly divulging a message, playing with word choice is non-negotiable, as is a large vocabulary. If someone lacks the prior knowledge of what a word means, or the context in which a word should be used, a plethora of back-up words need to be readily available to convey the proper meaning. Word play is a difficult concept. Although many words can carry the same meaning, the intensity of the associated emotion/concept cannot always be predicted for every person. Balance is always the key to success, yet on occasion we stumble upon success. However, it is rare that this epiphany is the best conclusion, as all ideas can use some revision.

Eat Lead

2009-10-28T21:44:00.001-05:00

Newsprint

In the interest of kerning, leading, alignment, and weight, a newspaper printed with movable type would be the best reference for a graphic designer. Newspaper printed in the old style using metal slabs allowed a better visualization of the spacing between letters. With the coming of the digital age, newsprint "upgraded" with the rest of the world. It is in this digital media were we lose our sensibilities to spacing. Certainly there are groups of flaws we could point out when a text looks awkward (ie too much spacing, uneven leading, various font sizes), but often the differences may be so subtle, it is only our gut--or really our eyes--which tells us the text looks awkward. Although style plays into the aspect of an artists layout for type, one has to be sensitive to the general audiences' eye. Though there may not be the eye of scrutiny within the audience to the same degree as the designer may have, the audience should not be able to notice the amount of time spent on placing letters together, or the spacing between the text.

If we were to revert to the old style of text and rely solely on metal slabs to exhibit our idea, kerning and leading would not be a new concept to us. Why is it we still see websites displaying dissertations with our page breaks? We have all been exposed to text, in one way or another, but to really study it is a different world entirely. The simplest mind can tell you when thin leading is so thin it is impossible to read, or when kerning is so tight the letters blend together. It is making the text flow from each character into each line which produces readable copy. Perhaps we all should be forced to work in metal type in order to learn the basics before we rely on digital representations.

I've been suggesting to people who will listen that all newspapers in the world need to shut down their websites, if just for a day, to demonstrate that it is the fourth estate that actually provides 90% of the news on the Internet

-Cale Cowan

ESL

2009-10-13T19:29:00.002-05:00

A Common Language

Within the world we live in, art and music have been said to be two medias that cross cultures. For a Graphic Designer making a logo of a company, it can often times be a challenge to make one which crosses all borders. Psychologists have studied peoples reactions all over the world, and a smile is recognized the same all over the world. As artists often it is necessary to convey thought purely through form and visual representations rather than text. This is why English should be our second language.

Elements

Even when text is used in a piece, the work needs to be assessed as to what makes it recognizable as a logo so it can be translated into other languages while maintaining its look. These elements of art are what help logos like Coke and Pepsi be worldwide market holders. An artist must--at least try--take into account all the possible ways a picture can be understood before introducing text into the picture.

Pictures can often be taken at the face value, or different meanings can be further read into the media. One obviously cannot always account for emotional recall that happens to someone when they see an image, but if that were the artists goal from the beginning, they would need to determine the best way of achieving the goal. Text comes into the matter and can add irony, sarcasm, wit, humor, or delicacy, but as our second language we may often struggle with getting our message across.

Speech is Turning in its Grave

Jacques Derrida made an interesting statement in 1976, "That a speech supposedly alive can lend itself in its own writing is what relates to its own death." As speech manifests itself through visual form, and increasingly so with Hypertext, it slowly becomes a dying craft. Speech is a craft, no longer taught like in the days of yore; which is perhaps why we (and by we I mean me) by cinema such as V for Vendetta with the veracious V and enchanting Evey, or the well crafted tongue of Ed Morrow from Good Night, and Good Luck. Yet, while Hypertext may be a way of letting text live, we have slowly been killing our communion with others in the for of speaking. Though some who would rather stay in their dorms and play WOW might grunt in agreement, speech is of serious concern to us as humans, and especially as artists. Lynne Truss is an author who writes on grammar. Within her book Eat, Shoots and Leaves she brings up a very important point. Today in the world of texting, we often cut out punctuation, eliminate letters, and botch the whole English language into emoticons.She compares us to Pip from Great Expectations before receiving an education. Although I could spend forever talking about the implications of a deteriorating language of a culture, the important note as an artist is to be aware of such abbreviations, emotes, and lack of long drawn out drab which could simply be explained in OMGWTFBBQLOL.

I still continue to see our job as designers to be predominately research oriented, keeping up with the times, studying other effective/affective works, and as always--practicing ones skill to perfection.

Clutter

2009-09-03T21:17:00.001-05:00

Typefaces unite

Many things began clear to me after reading both talking with type and What is Graphic Design? First was how much I take fonts for granted. Sure every now-and-again I might concern myself with the Edwardian Script or Blackletter ITC when designing a fancy invitation or flyer, but I never stopped to think of how much actually went into the design. I had designed a font before, but it was merely for entertainment. All around us information is passed through letters and their forms. I started noticing street signs in specific fonts, the Budwiser plant on Ambler, etc. This lead me to a second thought. How often are we passing by art? These fonts, even the one being used in this blog are crafted pieces. There is history to each of them. And it doesn't faze those of us without the proper knowledge. This was even more clear after seeing Dream of a Flyposter by John Orlando Parry. Commercials, movies, posters, medicine bottles, cigarette packages, and anything else you can think of all are cramming into our eyes per second, and we filter most of it out. Thirdly, how does that effect graphic designers?

Guy Debord

Upon reading What is Graphic Design? I found some very interesting quotes which brought to life what we must strive for in this business. One by Guy Debord caused me to pause for a moment; he said, "First of all we think the world must be changed. We want the most liberating change of the society and life in which we find ourselves confined. We know that this change is possible through appropriate actions." To me it means we must cause the world around us to experience that single moment in history we all have been looking forward to. Whether you are an Obama supporter or not many of us can agree the message came across clearly in the Poster created by Shepherd Fairey. The quote by Debord interested me so I did some research on him. He was a Marxist theorist, filmmaker, and also founded Lettrist International (a group for geniuses). I decided to look up more quotes for him and found an even more inspiring one for artists.

"Art need no longer be an account of past sensations. It can become the direct organization of more highly evolved sensations. It is a question of producing ourselves, not things that enslave us." -Guy Debord

Closing Thoughts

Within the world of cluttered words, swirling commercial spots, and the constant noise filling our eyes to the brim, it is nice to see those liberating, freeing pieces. Font, as simple in form, and as everyday as waking up exhibits an elegance many of us fail to see. I have enjoyed reading the books, as I feel it has opened my eyes to a world which I knew existed, but never cared to examine. I do not believe I will see the world in the same way. It is not just the forms alone, but the space between them; how they coexist in our world of chaos; whether they add to the chaos or free us from them; the spirit of creativity.

Blech XP

2009-08-20T11:21:00.005-05:00

So I know I was on a two day streak of music blogs, but today I want to talk about something else, and I don't need your permission to do so.

Rorschach in Watchmen states we are all alone, and like ink on a page, we merely give meaning and reason to that which is just black splattered ink. He then goes on to say there is no God, and we instead are the ones who cause actions within the universe. I've been contemplating this for sometime. Whether there is a God or not, I can say that I act differently to others because of a potential judgment at the end. Perhaps it was just the elders of long ago who knew they would not be able to maintain a governmental integrity of peaceful people if they had nothing to be held accountable. When the children of darker times grew up, they would continue in their violent manners and seek the destruction of others. In this principle I can see what Thomas Hobbes meant and nod my head in agreement. Maybe we setup not only a social contract, but allow ourselves to be tamed by the existential ideas of a greater judge. We then choose to act more civil knowing/believing we are not the greatest power in the universe.

But does that explain my behavior as of late? I am surprisingly a very introverted person. I don't have many friends, and those I do have I don't talk to often. However, I have been pouring all of my time and energy in to those around me hoping to break free from monotony and this shell I have grown. The more I think of this the less logical it sounds as I do enjoy shutting others out, sarcastically pointing out faults, and being an overall asshole (often within the reserves of my own mind). I get emotionally exhausted by work. For me I have difficulty maintaining a chipper demeanor, and must then resort to alternative moods when I come home. As of late, it has been quite the reversal--speaking to others too often, smothering others with kind acts, and most of all coming across too strong. Even now as I sit here, I feel the need to run, to get out, yet I am already alone.

When I was in kindergarten, I acted as the perfect child. I only was chastised once the whole year, and it was a verbal warning. As I grew, the people around me broke my shell, and I began to mold into a more open person. Nonetheless, I still had the urge to hide away from the rest of the world, often wanting to sulk over my own misfortunes in solitude. And while today I have turned in to a more outwardly exuberant type, it has only exacerbated more of my private life. Although God has effected the path that I currently follow in positive ways, I cannot help but to imagine where I might be now had I not put away more sinister qualities.

The ink has spilled on the page, and the edges close in to meet each other. I, like the cool dense liquid, am cornered and forced to be viewed so thoroughly as though ever fiber were exposed. External pressure may push on me from every side, but I have the will to move as I choose. Perhaps we are ink on a page, but it is our reason and meaning which develop idiosyncrasy.

Pandora is Smarter than you

2009-08-19T08:09:00.002-05:00

Why you ask? Because they have a compiled list of almost every licensed band, sorted by vocal resonance, rhythmic properties, whether the song is in a major/minor key, the type of instruments played (electric, acoustic, classical, or foreign), harmony of either vocal or instrumental quality, and finally (maybe) whether the aesthetics of the song are vocally centered or not. All of this--and most likely more--goes into choosing songs you will like based on the original radio you created. Which means, it is time for more bashing Dashboard Confessional! Each band has a very specific sound signature, very much like what is discussed in episode two of warehouse 13. Most band signatures will be specific to the vocals: much like Led Zeppelin, Modest Mouse, Clap Your Hands say Yeah!, Hootie and the Blowfish, Senses Fail, 3 inches of Blood, RHCP, and the list goes on. Dashboard on the other hand, tries their hardest to mask their signature to sound like everyone else. "But J.J." you shout, "wouldn't that mean they have discovered the best sounds of all bands, and are capable of recreating them to their purpose of becoming rich whore-bags?" To which I answer yes. "Then why do you hate them so?" It is because music is meant to combine the unique sound individual to a band, along with the creativity of lyrics, and the experiences of the band members into a relational reminiscent time for the listeners. Obviously some people may feel differently, but this is something that makes even John Williams and Danny Elfman so successful at their job. Even with the great composers of yore we recall the first times we heard their symphonies, or diddled their tunes on the keys of a piano--or more likely, had an electric keyboard play one for us.

The best bands are those who are successful at putting the puzzle of music together. This is the same reason I have a twitter page. On twitter you are allotted 140 characters as you all should know. With every post I strive to successfully make my post exactly 140 characters, while actually telling people what I am doing at the moment. This would be like a basic song with a certain set of measures, stanzas, choruses, etc. It becomes interesting when you try to add twitpics, Retweets, tags of other people to the mix. Bands who try to sound like everyone else, and make up lyrics just to fill space (cough cough Dashboard), are not special at all. While it does make them a band, it doesn't make them a noteworthy one. A band must offer some interesting variations within is stanzas in order to be crowd pleasing. Like I said in my previous blog, a large enough piece of shit can bring tears to your eyes, but it will always be a piece of shit no matter how heart-felt (or drug induced).

I know I originally said I would go over what music says about you and the 3/4 waltz, but I will save that for another day. I am too tired this morning to cover the rest. Don't like it? Don't care.

Snide Banter

2009-08-18T08:46:00.003-05:00

If I ever had a band, I would probably name it Snide Banter and continually claim that as my real name, while jokingly only a few people would understand it literally means rude meaningless jargon.

Lately all my blogs have been either complaints about relationships, and often rightfully so, or high praise of friends I have become recently reunited with. When I reflect on these meaningless blogs of endless whim and shortsightedness I look back on the ramblings of poetry which struck me deep within. I have come to realize while people relate to a good whine about how you can't sleep, how much you have changed through a relationship, and how you often feel life won't continue to go on--no one gives a shit and then contemplates for hours on end about its endless wonder (mostly because it has none) and it is the same for relationship blogs. Every now and then a piece of shit comes along that is so big, and impacted us to the innards of our colon, that we felt a burning sensation from within, or even shed a tear or two, but it was still a piece of shit.

That brings me to the point of my whole of this new and revised terd of a webpage I wish to take in a new direction. Hence forth I want to make blogs of meaning. Those in which people will stand upon their desk/workstation and shout, "Susan, come here you have to read this! All along I felt the same as this random user on blogspot, and only now have I found someone better at expressing it than I ever could!"

So on with the newest post which I guarantee will put you in a coma of stupor and awesomeness.

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There are two things I hate I hate in this world, and only two. The first is arrogant people who talk about things they know absolutely nothing about; the second is Dashboard Confessional. While I have immediately lost almost all readership by stating this last sentence, I will say that short of an overdose ex, and possibly those browsing my facebook I have no readership, so everything is ok. The former I am guilty of more often than I should like, but it is too fun to try and convince people of spoon feed bullshit. However, Dashboard will always have a place within my heart of sincere scorn and eternal shame.

The music industry has been increasingly declining (sounds like an oxymoron, but unfortunately it is not). Bands put out three to four CDs before finally kicking the bucket--including their unlicensed EP. With MTV and VH1 present, bands strive to make songs everyone would like to see a music video for, and with the exception of a few good videos (Dani California, Crawl like a Worm, Quiet Things, Oxford Comma, Rum is for Drinking, Knights of Cydonia), no one comes quiet up to par with the expectations of the listener. On top of videos, bands must fit a certain look per genre, an have a hot lead singer, or at the very least a lead guitarist who is strikingly handsome. The once completing the few good songs of bong hit happiness, they forever spin into a coked-up dazed state of Grammy immunity. Truly pathetic if you ask me. It is the same now with Rockband. My cousin and I were talking one day with how far they have taken the guitar hero/rockband series. They are releasing a Beatles rockband where the Beatles look eerily similar to the Jonas Brothers. Not to pile shit on shit, but the only reason they have the rights to the Beatles is because Michael Jackson died. It hurts me to hear of bands not available for such video games--as Muse, Senses Fail, and Brand New songs would be more fun to play--but I am cut deeper when I discover DJ Hero. What is next Bong Hero? How many hits can you take while we show trippy background video? Obviously there is lots of pressure on bands to perform well, but why are we even signing bands incapable of maintaining decent song structure?

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie "Music & Lyrics", but it speaks of the tragedy of the music industry. Talented people become song writers, and the good looking get the money/attention for the work. If anyone in the music industry cared for the bands they signed, then they would forever remember the astounding quality and quantity of music produced by Led Zeppelin. Plant's voice wasn't the most appealing, but combined with Page's thrilling rifts created the best band in all of history. Some may claim not to like Led Zeppelin, but they have a multitude of songs which everyone can pick and choose (especially their ballads). I am often depressed by the bands of today's music era, and I believe the classics will always be the bar I raise for the bands of today.

Stay tuned for tomorrows music forecast: More Dashboard Confessional Stabbing, Why Pandora Knows More About Music than You Do, 3/4 Waltz, and What Your Favorite Band says About Your View of the Universe.

Techie

2009-08-15T10:28:00.001-05:00

Standing all day in a freshmen girls dorm trying to help incompetence be vanquished by the power of my intelligence.

That sounded slot more arrogant after I wrote it.

Perserverance

2009-08-13T12:08:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been putting away most of my current responsibilities in order to write on my book. It is not that I necessarily neglect cleaning, work habits, or other people, but that my book has consumed all of my thoughts as of late. Deep within my stomach a call to duty brews nagging me to finish this book by late November. I tell myself God needs me to have this finished exactly by November 30. Yet, lately it seems the task he has given me, while do able, feels as a setup for failure. Maybe I am finally soaking in some of the words my mother spoke to me. I tried my hardest not to believe this was self-driven by OCD to complete the task in front of me until it kills me. Every experience surrounding writing these novelettes has furthered my faith in God, and allowed me once again to trust in His ultimate plan. Now, however, I feel I must question my reasons for writing. Is this all self motivated and somehow I have misconstrued holistic properties as divinely inspired? People all around me say how much they would love to read my book, and yet when I share it with them forget to even open the cover.

To add more to this scenario, I continue to look at the world with realistic eyes; institutions bound to fail; and people everywhere doubting hope will eventually come full circle. I sit on the sidelines of the world judging its discombobulated nature, oft believing it was cast upon me to lead a new reformation, a Glorious Revolution of sorts. My therapist believes I see the world through false reality, that no of this would be possible, nor would I be able to have a decent following.

Both my mother and my therapist have lead me to believe the only way I can struggle through this is without others help. Until November, I have established a principle to stay away from relationships so I will not be hindered in completing my task of writing this second book. While it may be a good idea for me to stay clear minded currently, I don't know where this restrictions have been coming from. Possibly I am continuing to write this book because I have a need to finish it or tell myself it will be done in order to sleep at night. Going on this I could assume I would not be able to function unless I did meet deadlines I created by reading scripture and wearing a poker shirt to church. Or meet the deadline I invented by looking at a measurement on a ceiling tile. And while this sounds completely irrational, change has occurred in my life. Maybe it is self-fulfilling prophecy, or coincidence. Logically I am just one person out of 6 billion who looks through a pair of eye sockets and believe the rest of the world was created just for me, at this moment in time. All of this could be written of as a lonely sad man's dream to be someone other than who he was born and nurture to become. Perhaps I have no purpose, but to fill the mass of the universe for the next person with purpose. Possibly I am just a creature functioning to eat, digest, and shit to fertilize a tree for some other person to sit underneath and discover Gravity.

If I decide not to think reasonably, possibly divine meaning from personal experience, I see this as another test of faith. Does one continue to do the work assigned even if the outcome is failure? Is it possible God would set me up for rejection in order to learn more than I would have through success? I cannot know the answer to this until such time has past, but I continue to wonder and search for the solution. While patience is need to accomplish any task, remaining steadfast will ensure the title crown.

Patience

2009-08-10T23:10:00.002-05:00

I hope you are secretly checking this daily as I have been with yours. I find myself anxious and constantly talking about you. It excites me to tell others about you returning. I missed having you as a part of my life close to me. Although we had never spent much time together I always thought of you and would enjoy times when I could give you comforting words of advice. I pray to God daily that he will lead ne in the right path, and I ernestly hope that our plans come to fruition. However, I cannot neglect the current sacrifice I am undergoing as I know you are aware. He continues to teach me patience and restraint within this period and I need to trust Him through until the end of this commitment. But when that day comes you will be fully aware of my intentions. Already a plan has begun to brew within the inner workings of my mind to surprise you on that day of atonement. I hope that until then we can keep open hearts to each other and continue to grow closer. Perhaps one day God may guide us together. For now I must continue on my path towards Him, and while I would wish for your patience as well I cannot do more than request you endure. If you do read this, and you share a common longing with me to be with a partner of equal faith, intelligence, and zeal (sadly I am not matched in your grace and beauty), say "J.J. I will wait for you," and may God bless our futures.

<3AB

2009-08-08T22:18:00.003-05:00

I hope some day along this life you remember the conversation we had today. I was overjoyed to hear from you. A theme runs constant through my life, and one of them is the forever need to apologize for the things I have done. While our parents we the best and closest of friends, (my dad was even in your grandmothers class) I never knew you so well. It the pricks my heart to find out we could be so close while maintaining such great distances. We constantly stood up for each other in conversations against the same antagonist we all found annoying in high school. Yet back then things were different. I was the same person I allowed others to see after the drugs I had been doped on broke the shell of an introverted romantic. That person stayed strong throughout the course of high school, and mostly because of the expectations of others. You came into my life while I was dating the girl I would prospectively become engaged to, and my only reaction was to treat you with the same sarcasm and rudeness I entangled others in. We worked together, and I am not sure of how much my words hurt you, but I wish I could take them back.

I have gone through a transition since then, one I hope someday I could share personally with you. In my past my self-esteem was torn down where my manhood was belittled, and I felt I would never be attractive to anyone. Sex seemed to replace that doubt with assurance, but it was not a firm foundation that could last for long. Soon it was gone and I found I was angry with God. I could not understand how God would bless me with a perfect partner and now take her away. I also questioned how God could allow me to undergo sin as a means to better myself in the long run. I looked to Paul, a man who killed many Christians before becoming one of the most prolific apostles. If Jesus appeared on the road at Damascus and Paul converted immediately, then why did Christ/God not appear to him sooner, before any sin and death had occurred. I looked at my life in the same way. Why would he allow me to continually have sex, the whole time looking for him to prove to me it was wrong, and then wait to reveal it to me when the relationship had ended. Constantly I complained that God did not want me to be happy, while others around me said he did. I wondered how God could want me to be happy and endure this misery at the same time. It was then in my journey I started to read Jeremiah. Like Jeremiah I was the realist who proclaimed God's truth while others sought only to look for happiness. That was when he blinded me like Paul to make me anew.
Jeremiah 45:3 You [Baruch] said: Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain; I am am worn out with groaning and find no rest.
Then the LORD said, Say this to him: This is what the LORD says: I will overthrow what I have built and uproot what I have planted, throughout the land. Should you then seek great things for yourself? Seek them not. For I will bring disaster on all people, declares the LORD, but where ever you go I will let you escape with your life."

While I was in a bad part of my life, God told me things would be bad, and yet He would let me stay alive. At least I have life and health to rejoice about. Here I realized the reason God did not wish for my happiness. The view of happiness I sought for myself was one of self-destructive nature. I wanted sex, alcohol, psychological pains, stress, and fear. Since that discovery I have tried my hardest to sacrifice the indulgences and appetites I once had. Surely I still will crave them every once in awhile or have selfish relapses, but I try to live a life I could deem worthy of salvation (though I feel as if it will never be deserved).

But this brings me around to my original motive to write this note. I read everyone of your blogs, and I cried when I listened to you sing. I treated you with neglect and witty angst in high school because I loved you, and knew not how to act around you. You are and have always been a beautiful girl in my eyes, and I always wished the best for you. I admit we both had the paths of the prodigal child, but both of us see where we went astray. Each of us has been lead to this point in our life hopefully to teach the other what God has spoke to us. I hope that as the best of friends we could bring each other closer to God and enable each other to experience the fullness of Christ regardless of the past lives we lead, or the hurt we may have caused. I understand you see me in a certain light due to the nature of our first encounters at school, the fact our parents were friends, or my willingness to treat you harshly. All I ask is for forgiveness, that I may be seen as a changed person, and as a trustworthy friend to stand by your side. Hopefully one day we can both look in a mirror and see the person God created us to be.

It's been awhile

2009-08-05T08:51:00.002-05:00

I'll sing along if you start.

So I realize it has been sometime since we have talked honestly, and quite a few things have been on my mind lately. Firstly there is the matter of relationships, which it seems everyone loves to partake in when they go well. I know I speak on these often, but as a twenty year old male deprived of sex since April it would seem common place to an audience if I had one. I have finally found the hope my mother always reassured me was there. I have not found someone, but rather my cousin has. The girl is very sweet, religious, smart, funny, and to him attractive. She reminds me of my sister, which is a good thing for him. My other cousin is about to propose to his long time on and off again girlfriend. The difference here is my first cousin is a great guy who respects girls, has had horrible relationships in the past, and it appears God is pulling through for him with a great girl. My second cousin in this equation talks negatively of girls; disrespects them often; and only speaks of them as dogs, sexual needs, or slaves. This is the one that makes me angry. His girlfriend is a great girl, and I enjoy the conversations that we have often, but it makes me jealous that our God can give good things to those we feel deserve it the least. I understand how selfish that sounds, but it has been on my mind as of late. I have had to distance the thoughts and remember that sun shines on both the good and the bad while the rain is equally unbiased. But it does give me hope. In my past has been the disrespect, but the bad girlfriends as well. I have been both the victim and the perpetrator. For the past few months I thought I would end up living the rest of my life with a dog and two cats to comfort me, and the remainder of my imagination. But seeing my first cousin falling in love has been reassuring that the one might be there for me (and most likely is).

Besides relationships, He has been there for me as well. Things can often seem to fall into place as long as we take the opportunity. I talked with the secretary of the Universities publishing company, and she gave me the number of the head publisher so I can talk with him. I may not get published by them, but even if I did, it would be too small time for my writings to become recognized. Maybe it is a stepping stone, or maybe I am looking for what is not there. All I know is I should keep an open mind, and constantly use my head rather than my heart.

Last Night

2009-07-16T14:26:00.002-05:00

There are times I lay awake at night with a feeling of regret deep in my stomach. Lately there have been questions that I wish I had the answer too. While I laid in bed last night I asked these questions, and told myself that I would be posting them here. Yet as I thought, a few things became obvious to me.

1)When we broke it off, I thought you would be the person who would never be having sex ever again. It was clear that while we were together there were times where you liked to feel close, but I never gave you exactly what you were looking for and both of us became disappointed in each other and ourselves for thinking we could bond. That made me wonder, "is he better at sex than I am?"

I think it is clear just by asking that question I felt threatened as a man, unable to do the biological duty implanted in my genes--or perhaps not unable, but less equip. I know you aren't having sex all the time (or maybe you are), but I felt it within myself that you are happier having sex with him, than you would ever be with me. I came to realize why. When you said that I humiliated you, I choose not to believe it, I became defensive and shut everyone/thing out. But looking back on the situation I prodded you into uncomfortable situations, made you perform for me, humiliated you, and was over-bearing and controlling. I realized that he is none of that to you, and for me to say he is better at sex must therefore not be qualified by the purely physical nature, but also quantify the emotional spiritual connection (one I was unable to give). So I answered the question myself. Yes he is better...for you. While the physicality of the sexual act maybe greater or less than that which I embodied when we were together, it is the emotion and spiritual attachment he has given you which makes it all the more better than I could have ever hoped. And I can live with that. Those are things that I can work on, and must work on if I ever hope to have some significant relationship like you do.

2)"Did you burn the $147 of intimates I bought you?"

I hope you did, and for my sake I hope you never answer me truthfully on this one (unless the answer is YES!). It hurts to know that I spend close to a thousand dollars on you for clothes, intimates, flowers, and other items that will now be shared or talked about with another man. There is not a day that I do not pine over my own stupid decisions and feel it is punishment enough to think that you are now parading sheer Victoria's Secret panties during foreplay.

It is only then, at the deepest of my pit that I force myself to remember the one most unselfish act I ever did for you. Hopefully your mind also shares this one as my only good moment. Do not think of the day we got engaged, for I swept you back to Abilene when you wanted to stay longer than possible. Do not recall the first day we ever made love, because that caused a cataclysm of sexual behavior uncalled for in the year to come. Do not think of the walks with Mandy, or the first kiss during Les Miserables. The moment in which I am thinking is the week of our first Valentines Day freshmen year. I took the time to come to the library at opening time each day to print out anonymous letters for you, and at the end of it all craftily took a dozen lilies to the post office where they would be waiting for you once you got out of class. It was then that I surprised you, and it was then that I felt we shared our most promising moment. I hope that is what you take from our relationship that was good. I am sorry, and I (once again) truly apologize of all of my mistreatment of you over the last two years. I know you have forgiven me several times, but I feel that I will always find something else that I did to you that needs to be forgiven.

Hopefully you read all the way through this message. I just want you to know, the flowers and the cards were the best $72 I ever spent, and the best money I ever spent on a gift.

Points2Shop

2009-06-20T12:08:00.001-05:00

One long quote

2009-06-03T12:47:00.000-05:00

Except this is exactly the problem. The easiest tactic is for people to paint writers as namby pamby arty scarfy posers, because it’s what most people think even when we’re not striking. Writing is largely not considered work. Art in general is not considered work. Work is a thing you physically labor at, or at the very least, hate. Art is fun. (And Hollywood writers are overpaid, scarf-wearing dainties.) It’s an easy argument to make. And a hard one to dispute.

My son is almost five. He is just beginning to understand what I do as a concept. If I drove a construction crane he’d have understood it at birth. And he’d probably think I was King of all the Lands in my fine yellow crane. But writing – especially writing a movie or show, where people other than the writer are all saying things that they’re clearly (to an unschooled mind) making up right then – is something to get your head around.

And as work? Well, in the first place, it IS fun. When it’s going well, it’s the most fun I can imagine having. (Tim Minear might dispute that.) And when it’s not going well, it’s often not going well in the company of a bunch of funny, thoughtful people. So how is that work? You got no muscles to show for it (yes, the brain is a muscle, but if you show it to people it’s usually because part of your skull has been torn off and that doesn’t impress the ladies – unless the ladies are ZOMBIES! Where did this paragraph go?) Writing is enjoyable and ephemeral. And it’s hard work.

It’s always hard. Not just dealing with obtuse, intrusive studio execs, temperamental stars and family-prohibiting hours. Those are producer issues as much as anything else. Not just trying to get your first script sold, or seen, or finished, when nobody around believes you can/will/should… the ACT of writing is hard. When Buffy was flowing at its flowingest, David Greenwalt used to turn to me at some point during every torturous story-breaking session and say “Why is it still hard? When do we just get to be good at it?” I’ll only bore you with one theory: because every good story needs to be completely personal (so there are no guidelines) and completely universal (so it’s all been done). It’s just never simple.

It’s necessary, though. We’re talking about story-telling, the most basic human need. Food? That’s an animal need. Shelter? That’s a luxury item that leads to social grouping, which leads directly to fancy scarves. But human awareness is all about story-telling. The selective narrative of your memory. The story of why the Sky Bully throws lightning at you. From the first, stories, even unspoken, separated us from the other, cooler beasts. And now we’re talking about the stories that define our nation’s popular culture – a huge part of its identity. These are the people that think those up. Working writers. - Joss Whedon

Responsibility

2009-05-22T10:07:00.002-05:00

A cataclysm of events could happen, all related to causes of our own nature, while we seek out reasons to blame others for our own actions.

"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."~Voltaire

Past

2009-05-18T20:28:00.002-05:00

What happened to the days when I spent hours on end doing nothing on the internet? Why all of a sudden do I find myself intentionally running away from the responsibilities that have been given me. I did nothing but sit next to the computer where I am supposed to be writing, refusing to even open the folder. I played video games until I had to come to work, but decided to leave the laptop at home as well. I look at it with the intent to pick it up, but I held back. I tell myself that the promise I made doesn't start until the 28th, but I begun looking for ways to avoid it. I had already started ahead of schedule. Why can't I just face it? Maybe this is what Harper Lee felt. I know how I want it to start and I know what this needs to be about. I care more about what happens within my life than carrying on my life even after I am gone. Maybe that is why my relationships have always failed. I live the dream because I am expected to get married and have children, but I think in moments. I don't have future plans. I guess we aren't as similar as I thought. Maybe that is hope, or maybe I am worse off for being different. I never wanted to turn out like you. I never thought that I could be worse.

I can't help but think that I want the credit for what I've done. God that sentence scares me. There has to be something wrong with me. We categorize everything under human nature, but I can't be classified in such a way. If I had the chance I would have taken everything for myself. I feel my innards slowly dying away, and I don't know when it started. The soul that is left in me doesn't find the joy and peace it use to cherish. Rationality and judgment were betrayed by my emotions. I wavered somewhere along the way and ended up here. I was raised in an environment that encouraged to think with your heart. One that said it was beneficial to faith to follow the human conscience. I trusted in the emotions that felt as if I was guided my the spirit, but I have now come to a place where logic and reason whisper of the mistakes that emotions made. If I could cut out my heart I would--to maim the evil that is a part of me. My soul has become corrupt and as much as I hate to say you are right--you are right. Desensitization is not something that happens over night and was his biggest weapon. All those movies and music were the beginning. It really started when each of them started to get worse than the first. Which is saying something since the first cheated on me with five other guys and a girl. I got started on the right foot. The whole time he stood there allowing it to happen. He is just like You. I bet if he knew everything I ever did he would love me still. I would never be able to look at him again, and maybe I shouldn't be able to look at You. Why is it so important for me to make eye contact? I even look to Orion to talk to You because of her.

That is what it is about. This book I refuse to write. I refuse because I hate to point out all the sins I have ever committed but that is what you are asking. A public confession is what you require. I am sure you would torture me by making her aware of all of them. I wouldn't have a chance with her unless it was in your plan. Why did I fall for her?

Romance

2009-05-14T16:41:00.002-05:00

We always feel the need to be with someone. But after being with the same friends over and over again, I often feel more trapped than released. It is almost as if I would prefer to be by myself. Once having that time it comes to my attention that affection is something I deeply crave. My romantic relations as of late have dissipated and the feelings of entanglement grow ever stronger. While I tried to satisfy this craving with a shallow move towards the sensual, I realized to easily that the people with the same species of emotions will not share other commonalities with the innards I long to fill. [Sings] Looking for love in all the wrong places [end singing]. When, after wasting many nights looking for an easy out, I realized my failures were hitting me harder than a brick wall I decided to give up on such persistence with the non-committal.

It was around the same time of said decision my mind cleared and I began to see the life I had really been missing out on. To share you must first know this:

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." (1 Peter 3:1-6)

To have both the gentle spirit and yet not to give way to fear, and always to do what is right are rare among most of the women that I had associated myself with lately. However, there is a girl I have been reminded of who has been close friends with my family. It seems strange though that I think of her as more than a sister, but to be completely honest, it has been nice to have fallen for someone that would never cause me to have an inkling of sexual feelings. I am about 2 years older than her, and her brother and I are best friends. I have come to understand that I had been so scrutinizing about the people she w(c)ould potentially date, because I saw my flaws in them. I wanted to protect her from the worst parts of me that I saw in them. Now that I think about her, and the possibility that we could be partners to each other, I see that she is the perfect woman that Peter spoke of. She would help me to be the perfect spouse, and would be unwavering in her faith. I would be unable to take advantage of her in any way because I love her like a sister and friend, but also because her brother and the rest of her family would disown me. To me it seems the perfect situation and life that I would like to pursue.

Truth

2009-04-14T16:39:00.002-05:00

Honest to God I will end up writing about something I never intended. I have a problem where I have so much that I want to say that by the time I'm ready to say it, the words get all mixed up. The truth about all of this is that I regret everything I've ever done in my life. I once said that there would never be any regrets, and yet I still do not wish to go back to the life where everything happened the way it was supposed to happen and I was fine with it. Who I was once changed drastically over the few days that we first spent time together. My ego took over and said that I had the best person in the world. Not that it was a bad thought to have, but that it transformed into arrogance. Soon even towards you. I thought I had control. Control over you and everything in my life. I was a silly boy who thought he was the world's smartest man. The time we had together was still the best of my life. I don't mean the sex. To me more happened than just sex, although near the end it became difficult to see anything else. There were times where we would sneak away from it all just to be together. We shared similar humor (for the most part) and enjoyed the same music. But as a child trying to grow up faster than the world, I made you my life. I wanted you to be my life. I don't know if this annoyed you as much as it may have in the end when near the end it became shallow. Yet as my life I thrust everything upon you. I showed you my favorite movies, made you watch my immature tv shows, and forced you into political and religious opinions that I once viewed as strict fact. The trips back home I enjoyed singing with you although I did hog the music too often. I enjoyed your kindness towards others, although I brought out the worst in you. I even enjoyed (and too much so) making you angry so that we could argue and make up only to be what I felt was closer. You were my best friend and the best years of my life. We had inside jokes and personal stories that we could share. But somewhere along the way I took it all for granted and told myself that you would never leave me. It was around the same time that you became property to me. An object always present for my pleasure. It was when you rocked this boat of freakish control that I became defensive and never allowed you any life of your own. I was terrified of you, and in love with you at the same time. Terrified that you had more independance in your own life than what I believed I had in mine. As it turns out you were better off without me, and that is what I regret. I regret that you and I happened as a product of who I lead you to believe that I was from the beginning. The person I was when we started was the product of every other highschooler around me. The true me died when my sister was taken, and I thought I would never see that part of me again. Only recently has my life been improving. Only now do I find the shattered pieces of me falling back into place. I will never ever be completely myself again, but I will at least resemble that original me. The cracks will remain as a reminder. You are better off, and I can see that you are happier without me. I just wish I had not told you to stay the fuck out of my life, because now I see that I was the reason I lost my best and only friend.

I know that you forgave me once; I said that I would probably never feel justified ever again. But now I have with God's help figured out what needed to be refined in my life. I now understand why certain things happened, and I see the mistakes of the childish nature within me. Understanding all this now I feel as if I can truly say I'm sorry and put this all behind me.

I'm sorry for all the shit that I put you through and the rollercoaster of emotions that strained you and exhausted you. I am sorry that I took advantage of you, and even humiliated you out of my personal terror. I thought you were the answer to all my problems, and I'm sorry that I used you as such. I can once again say that I love you as a human being. I love you as the woman of respect and encouragement God made you to be. I don't need to get back together with you anymore, and I don't have to put up a wall when I see you. I only ask that you forgive me a second time. This time my mind is not clouded by emotions of the situation, but a long time of thinking about myself and who I need to be. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me I would wish to repair a friendship. That I may be able to discuss philosophy and listen to you talk about what you learned in classes. That I may be able to talk with you about my problems and your problems objectively. That one day we could be happy to see each other as friends once the dark cloud of the past has rained down and dried up.

I'm sorry.

Depressed

2009-04-06T08:42:00.002-05:00

I figured out why I held on so much. I had no friends besides you. My cousins all hate me, and the one person I thought I could share everything with says that I complain about everything. I feel like Paul Rudd's character in Role Models, except my life doesn't get better. Now I'm left on my own with everyone hating me. All I tried to do is have fun, and I felt like no one else played the game fair. Now that I've been honest there is no one that wants me around.

Simplicity

2009-02-15T23:32:00.002-06:00

There is none of it anymore. No rules, and definitely no regulation or expectation that is consistent with the rest of the world's standards for any of us. When did the simplicity leave us? Now it is all about getting what we want and making sure that we are happy while we make others miserable. Relationships break up and start up again. In some way I will never get all my shit back from you. There will always be some picture or memory that I have erased, but it will haunt the shell of my brain till I die. The is no way you can say you don't regret anything when you consume yourself with mind altering drugs to forget how fucking messed up this all is. I call some times just to remind myself why I don't need you any more. I just want my stuff. I want all of it. Even the gifts that you had planned for me. I gave you yours, but you were so stoned on weed you forgot mine all the time. Where is the promise I was given? It can never be simple among the human race. Hobbes was right in some ways. It is scary thinking about how short this all seems to God, and yet it cannot end fast enough. In some ways I want to see the forever, yet in others I long to see the end of man. I know it is morbid, but I delight to think of the downfall.

Maybe God will send his angel to slaughter millions only to sheath his sword when he gets to my door step.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

2009-02-07T17:08:00.001-06:00

Enough said

Grief

2009-01-29T11:41:00.002-06:00

I'm worrying about you. I hesitate to say again. I don't know if I ever stop, but know it has become a prevailing thought that burdens my heart to a point that I cannot stop until this is ripped from me. You are my best friend, and one whom I love more than any other. But I have felt distant from you lately. I know this is my fault and I have changed my very nature. However, I have since offered my friendship, even apologized for the wrongs I committed, and tried to start over by once again becoming close to you. I have maintained adamant about some things, yes I know you disagree, but I want to give you my reasons why.

This is not about him, nor will it ever be, yet how you have changed. I never thought you would come to this, or return to the things you once left. The group of people you call friends have changed, our time together as friends has vanished, and you have become complacent in a life in which you feel undervalued. That might be quite a stretch to make, or an assumption on my part, but I saw you as a fighter, unwilling to let people bring you down. I feel the things you do and your actions have taken over you, and redefined your character. I worry because of the separation that this has caused. Once you were so happy to eat when I cooked for you, or see a movie with friends, but know it is as if you were pulled into a world that has locked the doors on old relationships. I hope to find the key to this forgotten love. I realize I am not the key, and no one is the barrier in your life. I once would blame other and blame you for what has happened, but I have since matured. I find the nature of this topic troubling to even think about. A shroud has been placed over you in which I feel unable to approach. I want to be best friends again, and let you feel comfortable sharing anything with me. To be honest I find myself thinking about us, but I have moved on, and realize what is best for you is not me. Yet I need you in a way that you can give, and I long to have that friendship once again. Please forgive the emotion, and the tears that we both have shed over this. I know the pain within myself and I imagine yours is greater for what I have done. I know you have forgiven me, but please do not forget me. All I want is the chance for us to continue to grow close, as we once did; a time before I fucked this up.

Fuck You Satan

2009-01-23T16:21:00.000-06:00

DIE IN A FIRE

Relations

2008-12-04T15:13:00.002-06:00

If there is one thing that people fail to understand more than anything else in this world, it would have to be relationships. I may be bad at picking up on hints, but I know when someone is coming on to me.

I was at work being nice to a customer who happens to be a girl. While working on her iPhone she revealed to me that she had a boyfriend, but she continued to make advances towards me. She wanted me to sit next to her, told me where she worked, asked where I worked, and was being overly friendly. I revealed to her that I had a girlfriend, but she continued to make advances towards me.

What I do know from relationships is people sometimes find someone they think is better than who they are with. When they find that someone it usually means that there is something wrong with the relationship that they are in. Rather than leaving the person, they need to acknowledge the things they feel are lacking in their relationship with the other person, or realize that maybe there are other aspects about the person they are currently with that are more important.

Perfect?

2008-11-20T16:36:00.002-06:00

How do you know when things fall into place? Does the universe have a plan at all?

Life and order are meant to fall apart. One could assume we were meant for misery. Yet love and happiness seem to be the exception to all disorder. Math shows the complexity of life, and how things are set into motion as fixed. Chemistry would tell us that those things while orderly and complex eventually tear apart. Physics would say that things end in disaster. All this energy gets recycled back into the system. This disorder somehow creates an opposite reaction of order.

The world falls apart around us, and continues to degrade, but families will pull together, and in some of humanities worse moments in history, we see glimmers of hope shine through. I started to think about this when I noticed how many foundations and non profits exist. Is this somehow a perfect reciprocal to disorder? Does entropy merely exist in one half of the circle?

Entropy

2008-11-10T08:30:00.003-06:00

Lately I've noticed that things have been falling apart recently. And while I should be concerned, they only seem to irritate me and nothing more. I may get frustrated or have a terrible feeling in my gut, but I know that entropy is the natural cycle of life.

Chaos is the natural order of life.

Computer 155u35

2008-11-09T14:08:00.004-06:00

So Saturday I woke up late. My cousin has been having his girlfriend over almost every night this weekend. She doesn't leave until ~8am every morning. It wouldn't bother me, except I don't want to know what is going on with them. I don't know how long they've known each other and what they do is there business. But when I stay over, I have to put up with it. Especially since I end up sleeping on the couch next to the front door, and she wakes me up when she leaves.

I can't help but think how much I was similar. I treated her so much like an object and I didn't realize how much until we split. Now I see my cousin falling into the same trap. The worst part of all of this is it makes me miss her more.

I still she her as my wife. I can't get over all of it. I want to stop thinking about it because she's happy now. But how do you forget your wife? I wish I could answer that. I feel like Paul, denied three times for the thorn in my flesh to go away. I have asked God for the pain to leave me. I love her so much. I know that I have changed, and I see how I could do things differently. None of it matters. I can't be with her.

___________________________________________________________________

I originally started to write about my computer and this turned into something else. I don't know why that happens. Saturday after all the mess, I went to my room to do my laundry and my desktop wa being weird. It kept telling me I had a non-genuine copy of Vista (which I did only because one of my hard-drives with XP burned out). We spent the whole day working on my computer. I was up until 2 trying to get Windows Server 2008 on my computer. I slept through my alarm this morning. When I tried to play some games on my computer they all said the minimum requirements were not met. So now we have to spend another day working on getting the computer running.

Even worse than that is I work 1:30-5pm and then 8-12am. Tomorrow I have work at 8am. so I won't be getting much sleep. Not that it's different since we split. I haven't been sleeping well since she left. I still pray the pain will go away.

Falling out

2008-11-07T07:51:00.005-06:00

There is one thing I have learned in all the procrastination. While blowing up towns and killing people mindlessly might seem like fun, there is guilt. Fallout did a wonderful job of making you feel like an asshole for all the bad things you've done.

For instance, you blow up a city with an atom bomb left over from the war. Now while the video portrays a wonderful sensation of satisfaction in evil, the effects make you feel awful. There is a woman who sells you equipment that is for ever turned into a ghoul by the effects. Ghouls are humans who were exposed to too much radiation.

Watching all of this take place I could understand why Rotblat and Pugwash both worked politically to dissolve nuclear warfare. I bet after seeing all the images of scarred women from Nagasaki and Hiroshima they felt horrible.

Delay

2008-10-29T16:59:00.002-05:00

Peace is slowly coming to me now. Thanks largely to Sasha's help. There still seems to be a large delay in my life though. I still make sure to fulfill my purpose. However, things seem very trivial. While I have been happier than normal, I still seem to find some struggle within myself that wants not to let go.

Distraction

2008-10-28T17:15:00.001-05:00

When you are convinced you need to take care of something important in your life, why is it that things will come up to distract you from those.

Fallout. 3

Seeking Peace

2008-10-27T01:06:00.001-05:00

I'm sure this takes more than one day. Sasha sure helped though. I spent all yesterday until now forgetting about it. She helped get me back on the ball. This will continue to process for days.

Step One

2008-10-25T23:26:00.000-05:00

Seek Peace

Birthday

2008-10-24T07:34:00.003-05:00

Someone close to me is having a birthday today.

I can't help but think about Jim Gaffigan's skit on birthdays, and the pressures that everyone feels to have a good birthday. We tend only to be excited when it is our own birthday, or when the other person goes to extreme ends to make their party the best so that people will want to celebrate with them. Friends, surprise someone on their birthday. Do not leave the birthday person to plan their own party.

Test

2008-10-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

I have a test today. All brain power and energy will be diverted as such.

Relax

2008-10-22T16:41:00.002-05:00

There is nothing as quite relaxing as thinking on the porcelain throne.

I wonder how countries without running water don't go crazy.

Maybe it is the lack of technology and complexity.

Care

2008-10-21T08:39:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to get some food to go from our schools cafe. While waiting in line I started to eat a grilled cheese sandwich. On my way out, one of the ladies stopped me and told me they could double charge me for eating inside when I'm doing to go. The sandwich would have fit in the to go box still, and to double charge me $14 for a 15 cent sandwich is crazy. I told her it would have fit in my box, and she said that it didn't matter. It's just a sandwich. It doesn't matter. You already double charge us with your ridiculous prices here anyway. And with that I left. I didn't let her finish anything.

You may ask why this makes me so mad. First off, the food is not really good, but they place has a monopoly on campus. If you live on campus, you have to eat there. Especially if you work from 4:30 until 6:15 and you have a class that starts at 6:30pm. There is no time for food from elsewhere. Second, two grilled cheese, poorly cooked macaroni, some breaded fish from a box, and some chocolate milk do not cost you $7 per person. They cost about $7 per 15 people.

That was when I started thinking. How many sandwiches have I complained about, or been ripped off for, that could have feed someone in need? If those really are 15 cent sandwiches, why have we not started to feed the hungry?

Second Thoughts

2008-10-20T08:14:00.002-05:00

While yesterday was a day for relaxing and preparing for today, it felt very lonely. However, I have begun to feel that maybe things are meant to be difficult. Not just life in general, but also relationships. If there were no struggle, then love might only be there because things are easy. While one should not have to fight a losing battle to stay in love, they should constantly check themselves to make sure they are in love. Those checks are done by finding what is worth quibbling over. I suppose we all need to chose our battles better.

Clay

2008-10-18T11:13:00.003-05:00

My life is constantly spinning, turning about in disarray. When I hang out with people, I mold to the situation. Whatever role I need to fill, I am there, pretending to be happy with what I am doing.

I am unhappy with my roommate. I never really liked him, but was stuck in the situation as sort of a default. I knew him, but never really wanted to get along with him. I tried to be the best roommate to him, but there was a tension inside of me that hated when he was there. I needed space, and the space I was never given. How do you tell someone you don't want them around?

We had a conflict about two weeks ago, I told him my opinion and he told me his. Nothing had been said about it since. I made a comment last Wednesday, that he thought was a direct reference to the conflict. I never made the connection between the two, and still believe that what I said was opposite to what he thought I said.

Last night I molded while at my cousins house. We all get competitive, and slightly aggressive. While those are things that I hate doing, I love my cousins and want to spend time with them. He was there in another room, and was offended by my extroverted attitude with my relatives. I had told him that I was introverted, which is what I am, and hated being molded as an extrovert, which I do.

This morning there is a note on my desk from him. He is angry, not wishing to talk to me, and says that I am living a sinful life, and that he is bothered by some of the things I have in our room that I paid good money for, and he wants me to just throw them away. In all of this he tells me I need to practice what I preach.

I don't even know what to think about this. There are things he is confused about and he doesn't know what he is saying. Other things I feel like he is saying in anger over things that he misunderstood. I don't like him anyway and I am not concerned about what he thinks of me. However, I do have to put up with him until either of us graduates, whether we room together or not. He works at the same place that I do.

Humanities

2008-10-17T07:42:00.005-05:00

Is it human nature or human will that drives us? Would you say that all men when created were created in evil or good? If all indeed were created equal, than no flaw could be greater than another. A person will always be a person, yet some how we give them titles. The titles all have the same purpose: to make one person seem better than another. We make titles, such as CEO, CFO, CIO, President, Vice President, Senator, Congressmen, Mr, Mrs, Illegal Immigrant, Alien, Outcast, Weirdo, Loser, Jerk, Fag, Douche-bag, Bastard. When will these titles disappear? When will we have another people's President like Jackson? Jackson had been a war hero in a battle that was completely unnecessary to win a war, but was loved by thousands. He walked openly among the people, and talked with them as if he were not President. Of course, one may say this was before the first assassination of a President. Yet, shouldn't we question those who become President and cannot walk among their people? Should we question what life has come to when we assume the worst of men?

We hear some awful stories on the news, but has life improved or merely appeared that way? Our history has stories from drunken drug addicts that we acclaim to be the best of them all. Lovecraft wrote many disturbing verses of hauntings, mental persons, and imaginary horrors. Poe did likewise. During their times there were people like Jack the Ripper. Patrick Süskind wrote Perfume: The Story of a Murderer in 1985. The story is of a man who searches for the perfect scent by killing women and reducing their fat tissue, and sometimes hair into perfume (lard was the base of all perfumes). Sure we have women killing their children, leaving them in the cars to suffocate. Yes we have serial killers, some who chop up pieces and mail them to others. Are we really any worse off than before? Do we simply notice more suspicious activity with our neighbors now rather than before?

Everyone is flawed, therefore everyone is human. Everyone is human therefore, everyone is flawed. Circular reasoning could prove many things falsely accurate. People are people, and should be treated so. I venture to say that my flaws are equal to the flaws of serial killers; serial killers should be treated just the same as I could be treated. After all, there is a thin line between hilarity and insanity. Many people cross that line without realizing it, and then look at their flaws and wonder how they got there.

You win God, I'll Write

2008-10-16T15:27:00.006-05:00

What more is my life for? Every other meaning in my life is gone. Or is it to mean anything you must be the average. Out of all n of N , I would be the one to raise x bar. I would be above the average; I would be more than the mean. Yet, in some way I became the standard deviation from the average. And like the others in your sample, I could never meet the confidence level myself. While we determine alpha ourselves, and it is first in importance, I could never be that to you. Or was it the other way around? Like alpha, I required thousands (1068 to be exact) in order to give you the amount of confidence you needed. Even with that confidence, all I ever put out was a small percent. While above the sample mean, I helped you determine the standard average of a population. I became the same to you as every other lover in your lifetime.

__________________________________________________________________
I focused on many things while we were together: college, emotions, my job, and sex. I worked towards a career in something other than my dream, rather than chasing after you. You told me we wouldn't marry until you felt financially secure. We couldn't marry until you new it was what you wanted. You took the ring, you found your money, and now we're not together. I wasn't there for you like I had said. Now you tell me, we could never make it work as long as I don't love you unconditionally.

College and work became so important I even put myself aside. My book became unimportant, and our relationship as well. I never enjoyed my job, and my classes didn't follow my dream. Why did they take precedence over you? How could I have let them lead me here?

Zeal exists within the realm of the written world. All enthused senses faded when the world stopped spinning for the locus I created. I need to bring it back.

This is the first step=> Telescopic Philanthropy